About three months before my birthday I really started reflecting on what the last nearly decade had meant to me. If you read my previous post I may sound a little bit like I’m repeating myself, but my 30’s have definitely brought me some of the greatest joys I’ve experienced in life, as well as some of the deepest sorrows. For whatever reason, the “9” birthdays have always evoked a sense of reflection and looking back. While there is nothing wrong about looking back and reflecting on the past, I know I don’t want to spend 39 overly focused on something ending. To be brutally honest, since losing my mom, I have done a lot of reflecting on the past. Rather than continue down the same path, I’ve decided to make Thirty-Nine a year of growth.

Most people have heard of a bucket list – a list of things a person wants to do or experience before they die, before they “kick the bucket.” I have decided not to create a before 40 bucket list, but rather a Garden List. You see, in my eyes bucket lists are focused on endings, and I’d rather focus on renewals and beginnings. When I think of a garden, I don’t just think of the end results, I think of the act of gardening and the time and care that goes in to growing a beautiful garden. I want Thirty-Nine to be about growth and life and I want to be purposeful in cultivating that in myself. In a year, when I’m celebrating the big 4-0, I want to be standing at the doorway of a new decade a better person than I was leaving the previous one.

Tricia’s Garden List:

1. Buy a piano
2. Self-publish a personal cookbook
3. Run a 5k
4. Walk 300 miles
5. Declutter…REALLY purge
6. Shake a bad habit
7. Improve my education
8. Rekindle a friendship
9. Make work meaningful or make a change
10. Start playing my Oboe again
11. Host a dinner party
12. Send a postcard from every trip I take
13. Girls trip!
14. Visit my mom’s grave
15. Attend a concert or show at the Kennedy Center
16. Journal
17. Make a quilt
18. Write a letter to myself to read on my 50th birthday
19. Go to high tea
20. Pamper my fingers and toes more regularly
21. Try a new haircut/style
22. Take a vacation that is not completely focused on photography
23. Get serious about my business
24. Start a potted/container garden
25. Bake cookies for the neighbors
26. Set up my in-home photography studio
27. Learn OCF
28. Update my wardrobe
29. Make more or an effort on my day-to-day appearance
30. Get a massage
31. Soak in the bathtub once a month
32. Tackle and conquer paper clutter
33. Take my vitamins everyday
34. Read a book series
35. Invest in a big girl purse and get rid of all the others ones I have
36. Take on a 30 day challenge
37. Learn all the words to one Adele song
38. Sew an easy dress and wear it
39. Submit a photo session to Bloom
40. Give Yoga a try
41. Drink more water

Today is my 38th birthday.

Thirty. Eight.

For what it’s worth, turning 38 feels an awful like turning 28 did. There’s just something about the “8” birthdays (18, 28, 38) that seem to be the hard ones for me to swallow – I have a little freak-out, major introspection, life talks with myself, and feel my mortality the most on the “8” birthdays. They’ve been the birthdays where I wonder if I’m where I should be in life – or worry that I haven’t accomplished enough. I have to chuckle at how serious turning 28 felt, but how glorious and freeing turn 30 was – I anticipate that 40 will be similar. I was explaining to someone this morning that as a decade ends I feel like I should be so much wiser and more knowledgeable, but as a new decade begins, I'm "allowed" to be "young and dumb" once again, because, obviously, I have no life experience in that new decade...strange, I know!

A lot went on as a 37 year old. A LOT.

I fell even deeper in love with my husband. I know, super mushy gushy, but what can I say – he’s a great guy. Being introverts, there can often be periods of quiet in our home, but despite the quiet his presence is what brings me comfort. This last year he started traveling for work, and I have missed him something awful during those times. It may sound silly, but missing him so much when he’s gone has come as a welcome and pleasant surprise. I’ve always been someone who has valued and needed my alone time, but not since he has entered the picture. The alone time I need has changed, and is easily satisfied simply sipping coffee in the morning before he’s up. He completes me.

I struggled with staying healthy more at 37 than I can remember at any other time. I think it was my body’s way of screaming at me, “Taking care of me is something you need to take seriously!"

I was reminded many, many times how lucky I am to have the friends I do. I don't tell them enough how much they mean to me, but I am lucky to have them in my life, and blessed that they love me just as I am, flaws and all!

Thirty-seven was my first full year without my mom. The moments missing her were when I felt the most vulnerable and child-like. Those moments were intense and tears of sorrow, anger, and hurt flowed uncontrollably. But there also began to be moments of remembrance. Those moments were warm and embracing, tears were gentle, and smiles were abundant…and gradually the remembrance moments started to become more frequent than the missing moments.

Thirty-seven was also a momentous year – I found and met my birth mother. I’ve kept this event very close to my heart, but trust me when I say it’s been life impacting and the most amazing experience. There were things…feelings I discovered that I didn’t know were missing – a blood connection to this world. It was something that had I chosen not to look, I would have lived my life not knowing it was missing, and it would have been ok. But knowing is almost like having another sense…a crazy unexplainable connection to the world and to people that I’m unable to put in to words. As amazing as this whole experience has been, what makes it momentous is the fact that I have the love and support, and blessing of my family – the family who raised me and loved me, the family who influenced and helped mold me into the woman I am today. What makes me feel like I won the lottery, is knowing that the family I didn’t grow up knowing is equally as loving and supportive.

So…what’s ahead? There are already some amazing adventures in place for the next year. As I begin my venture through 38, inching my way closer to 40, I can only hope that the year ahead is full of more momentous events, growth opportunities as a person, more smiles than tears, and remembering that the most important things in life are actually not things, they are the people you love.